Uncomfortable Stalemates
The Danger of "Waiting For Them" and How To Fix It.
The natural state of the universe is not action; it’s entropy.
I was driving someone to church the other day, thinking about an interesting relationship behavior that I haven’t thought about in a long time. I’m not sure what the name of this term is so I’m going to introduce it by writing down the thought that encapsulates it best (if you know the actual term for this, please comment on this article and let me know.) The thought is:
Why should I have to [insert action] for [insert person], when they don’t do it for me?
And the inevitable follow-up thought:
I will start doing that once the other person does it first.
Based on what I’ve seen in my life up to this point, I see this same thought process happen all the time. It happens between church members, coworkers, spouses, and friends. For now, let’s call them Uncomfortable Stalemates. This weird limbo state we sometimes get into where we’re waiting for the counterparty to make a move. Today, I wanted to walk through this issue and share my thoughts on why I think this happens, why it’s dangerous to continue (in my mind), and how to fix it.
Why the Stalemate?
I want you to imagine the last time you had an uncomfortable stalemate like this. What was going through your mind? What caused that to happen?
If you Google the topic (or AI it), you see some really familiar concepts:
Feeling Vulnerable: No one wants to feel weak in front of someone else
Mismatched Timing: Sometimes we’re not aligned on when we want to act on or talk about something
Built-Up Hurt: Unaddressed grievances or injuries can’t build up, making us feel
However, the most important reason (in my mind) has to do with the laws of physics itself: an object at rest tends to stay at rest.
One of the things that I’ve learned through my time at Beyond Abundance and writing this newsletter is that human beings are efficiency machines. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution and growth have optimized us to take the paths of least resistance with just about everything:
We go to the same grocery stores because we know where everything is.
We make friends and start romantic relationships with coworkers because one of the large factors in who we connect with is how close we are to them.
We vote for the same political parties; in fact, only 9% of voters have switched parties since 2018, according to Pew Research.
We’re creatures who like to “stay at rest” most of the time, which is why one of the biggest factors that causes uncomfortable stalemates, in my mind, is that predictable outcomes (even uncomfortable ones) are better than uncertainty.
For the human heart, nothing is more uncomfortable than uncertainty, so we often live with uncomfortable certainty.
This applies to the concept above as well. We stand idly by waiting for the other person to make a move, forever. Now that sounds like not that big of a deal; after all, one of the options in business decisions is to do nothing, right? However, beneath that logic is a more dangerous reality.
The Hidden Danger of Uncomfortable Stalemates
[“Wait a Year [to do maintenance] and see what happens to your house” - Jordan B Peterson to Theo Von on a podcast I saw.
Most people think the desired state of being is not moving. Think about it: how often do you hear the following?
“I just want to vibe.”
“I’m okay where I’m at.”
Or the most dangerous, “I’ll do it later.”
In fact, the biggest criticism I have of someone philosophical and Eastern traditions is the fact that they motivate doing nothing. We spend all of our time trying to optimize ourselves so we can spend most of our time sitting on the couch watching TikTok and Netflix.
I’m not judging people who want to do that. Instead, I want to caution against that idea as an underlying cultural principle, especially as it pertains to uncomfortable statements, because of another hard truth of reality. The natural state of reality is not action; it’s entropy. Anything in this world, if left on its own, with no outside influences, will naturally succumb to the force of entropy, which will rot and decay everything until all the atoms are equally spaced apart. Our relationships are no different.
Every day we sit in these uncomfortable stalemates; relational entropy slowly but surely chips away at our relationships, causing us to “drift apart.” Unless we fix that.
The Solution For Uncomfortable Stalemates
Humans have a natural defense against entropy, it’s called Agency.
Thankfully the antidote for uncomfortable stalemates is simple, although it’s easier said than done. If you really want to fix an uncomfortable stalemate, all you have to do is act. Whether it’s sending a text, visiting a friend, or doing something for someone else, all it takes to break the stalemate is being willing to make the first move.
Unlike most of the universe, humans have a natural defense against entropy; it’s called agency, the ability to act for ourselves. No one’s holding a gun to your head and telling you that you have to maintain the uncomfortable silence that slowly rots at your relationships; you have the power to make things better, and, all else being equal, you probably should. Because making the first move has another benefit. If you acted first, with the right intentions, you’ve just created a good faith gesture, which may not only break the stalemate but will also make your relationship stronger than before.
Good faith gestures have a powerful impact on our lives. They show a willingness to create and support a win-win, positive outcome for a situation. It shows your willingness to put ego and grievances aside and come to an agreement. Finally, it inspires the other side of the stalemate to act as well. When we make good faith gestures, we slowly pull the stalemates closed and grow closer because of it.
If you think about a time when a spouse, friend, or coworker made a good faith gesture, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Our world is full of these uncomfortable stalemates, and while they exist, entropy slowly tears apart at the fabric of our society. However, if we’re willing to take the steps to close those stalemates, I feel like we can make our relationships, our neighborhoods, and our societies that much better.
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Tyler Kreiling, WealthNWisdom, Founder and Head Editor
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